Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
