Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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