My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it was like eating out sand paper
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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