i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
