so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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