Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
