Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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