I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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