How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
