it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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