You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
