if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
