If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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