Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
