Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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