Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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