i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
