you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
