i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
