he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
