wakey wakey hands off snakey
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
