The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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