I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
