I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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