I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
