the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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