Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
