Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
