Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
