why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
