the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
