My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
