My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
