My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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