I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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