Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
