Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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