not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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