I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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