i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
