Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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