Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
