see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
