I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
