Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
