I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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