And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
