The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
