i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
