He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
