Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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