Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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