It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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